The day of Eid

Raya seems to be coming to a close, at least for me. Somehow Life is going to return to its mundane state from Tuesday onwards. 11 months and 2 weeks more to go.

Something is amiss this Raya. The usual excitement , fanfare and lights seem to be missing. Its very quiet. Too quiet in fact. There is not much extravagant dressing and needless to say, not much babes in rather provocative baju kurungs. No eye wash this year. Mood seems rather sombre. Not sure if its the economic crisis.

Won't be surprised if that really is the reason. Saw a family at the NTUC, the father holding a calculator, crunching numbers to see if he could bring purchases down to within budget. To a certain extent it was rather a sad and heart wrenching sight to behold. Telling the kids to put the chocolates back as it would blow the budget.

On the other hand, very frankly, I believe that current economic crisis is a much needed shakeup for us Singaporeans to realign our jaded and taken for granted attitudes. To scratch beneath the superficial and materialistic facade of an existence and to understand what that really matters.. Bond.

Eid Mubarak

As we welcome Eid with much joy and happiness, let us not forget those, less fortunate than us for HE gave us wealth and strength to protect and provide for those whom are in need of it. Especially in these difficult times.

Here's wishing you a very sincere and blessed Eid Mubarak.

Long time coming....

Its been a very long while and quite honestly I really don't know where or rather how to begin. I would like to update as chronologically accurate as possible but the truth is I really can't remember anything in order these days.

There has been a lot of changes occuring in the recent months. Too many and too fast to list all. To start off with a few...

Yeah, there is a change to my availability status. In true cliche, I never thought it would happen to me, but it did. Thus the explanantion to my "completion". It feels great to actually be happy.

As for work, well lets just say that it wasn't all as smooth sailing as i thought it would be, had to go through some reality checks. Got reminded that i cannot let my guards down and to always cover my back. Not going to go into details. Sometimes its really no point talking about things that cannot be changed.

Studies. Its kind of getting hectic. All the modules are very condensed. Therefore alot of effort has to be put in. Kind of getting sick and tired of getting credits..Would love to see some distinctions for a change. It would be a good morale booster as well.

Family. What can i say, just when i thought i got them all figured, they never fail to suprise me.

Friends. Its been a wild roller coaster ride. With the lack of time and other pre-occupations, can see that the dynamics are shifting ... Sometimes the shift is subtle and other times, mostly shocking.

Myself. I am but a fraction of myself. So much things to do and so little time... what to do .. life.

These are the general updates. Just to break the curse of procrastination.

The inevitable

I am complete... i know that there are going to be changes. Change is inevitable.
I just hope Life has made me stronger and wiser to buffer it.. I am riding the tiger. Hope it doesn't consume me along the way.

Summoning myself.

Caution's thrown to the winds;
It's just me and her...
It's now or it's never...

randomness

1. I wonder why when i have to go through just a pile of shit... i always end up with a mountain of it.

2. I hope that my students lose their fascination with my hair ( the one on my head as well as the body). If not i got no choice but to wax.... * this can be added to my mountain of shit

3. I want to go back to my Primary 6 days.. If I'd known that this is how being grown up feels, i would have given the hardest kick that i had ever felt to myself.

4. Do not open any mails that has your name on its cover. Its most probably a bill.... or a bloody barger of a letter from the hucking Reservist Unit informing you of your blaady IPPT which is a week away.

5. In life, YOU will come across many bridges, bridges that you cross... and bridges that you burn.. I am the one that you should burn now.

Too many adjustments to consider...but the heart desires.

It's very difficult to make incisive decisions. It's even more difficult to contemplate possibilities that are not within my control and at the same time, accept my inability to control and throw caution to the wind. What my heart desires, my mind disdains....how like that?

Confessions from the first massage...

Went for my first massage in Batam ( and no.. i didn't go for any "specials" or "raba raba" or even "boom booms" ) nothing sleazy in nature. Just a regular massage to iron out 27 years of crank.

I did have my apprehensions about going to a parlour and getting (wo)manhandled into pulp, but the company of a friend eased me in to the idea.

To be honest, it can be quite harrowing if you do not know what to expect. So let me list it out from a novice's point of view.

Points to note when going for your first massage:

1) When the masseuse puts a small trough of water infront of you. Don't be an eager beaver and wash your face in it. You put your feet in it.. There is nothing more embarrassing than a indon masseuse giggling at you.

2) Don't gasp like a wuss when she touches your feet. She is a masseuse and its her job. Again, there is nothing more embarrassing then an Indon masseuse giggling at you.

3) When she asks you if you would like to use some "oil" ... don't show the typical Singaporean in you and ask if there is extra charge for it..

4) She is an Indonesian, therefore she will ask the previous question in a weird way because of her accent... You don't get too excited or too scared.

5) Don't bother asking "So , do you want me to lie down?" when you are already doing so...

6) "Dia ada banya bulu" means that you have plenty of hair.. It also means that you are gonna need more than one bottle of oil. Oh yeah... it also means its gonna hurt like hell...

7) Its alright to spring up and stick against the wall when the masseuse pulls your shorts down to a half butt position. Alternatively you can hold on to your shorts with your dear life and shout "Tak mau" or something to that effect.

8) If you are someone wearing specs, leave them on. The dim lights and the red curtains already will you an uncomfrotable feeling... having to add blurred vision reminds you of the movie "Hostel".

9) Pay very close attention to phonetics even when you are screaming out in pain... Screaming "Sakit sakit sakit" in pain just might give ambiguous ideas.

10) its good to have a friend proned just beside you.. Somehow there is an unfathomable pleasure when seeing your friend going through the same pain as what you just did a few minutes earlier....

My Defiance

Noun : a daring or bold resistance to authority or to any opposing force.

A necessary evil to break the mindless conformism to the expectations of ethnicity and society. An invaluable trait of character that shatters all limitations set upon one's self by that one himself. The one true liberation....

It took the skies, the trails and a wicked set of wheels, to enlighten the deluded conformist in me to the existence of my other side .... My Defiance.

Me... and my procrastinations....

Was in the bus on my way back home when i received a message from a dear old friend...
"...... I'll be leaving tonight with my wife and kid to Australia.. It will be 2 years or more before we return......"

It stung me very badly. I always wanted to organise a reunion lunch or a dinner where by all the seniors from the Masjid Al-Amin religious class can congregate once before he flew off. He was one of the key people who defined my learning journey... maybe journey is too strong a word ... lets call it learning experience then.. He made if fun and enjoyable when every other factor scared me off.

He told me that he would be flying off in Feb '09 back in December. I told him that i will be organising a meet up tomorrow.. Somehow, tomorrow never came. The message fuelled nothing but regret for not having the meet up sooner.

I am not someone who believes that all will be normal when he returns.. 2 years later. Time changes everyone and everything. Anything can happen in a short span of time. When constant contact is absent... even a good friend becomes a stranger and all you have is just the memories to remember by... when a little more effort could have achieved other wise.

An uncertain year ahead...

A lot of things seem rather uncertain at this point of time in my life. There are so many things that i wanted to achieve in this new year but judging from the way i am struggling to manage my scarcely available free time, i doubt i would even get through half of my list.

I badly wanted to sign up for guitar classes but my fickle course time table eliminated all possibilities. I believe i won't learn much if all i can commit is about an hour a month can i?... and yeah, I am no Mozart... to pick up music that fast.

I need to buy a new camera... Current one got fried big time thanks to a AC/DC conversion cock-up. Somehow, buying a cheap substandard camera to tide the times by doesn't appeal to me.. I rather spend the money on good, durable and sustainable quality... But my pocket seems to be bleeding right now. So i shall review this in about 6 months.. God knows how i am going to survive when it comes to doing task and stuff....

As mentioned in my earlier entry...circumstances forced me to buy a new phone and as mentioned in my earlier paragraph, my poor pocket is vomitting blood now.. yet i decided to buy a Blackberry Bold...Did my research on the phone seems very sustainable and relative for the next 3 years.. Somehow all my phones lasted a long time... 4 yrs on average. Starting from my Nokia 3310 to 7610 then to the grand daddy... the Sony P910... and now to the BBB...

Anyway i was initially planning to write a very sombre entry about the contemplations of my ( and my surrounding social circle's ) future but somehow, for once( and very rarely) my materialistic aspects took precedence...What i possessed never mattered to me that much .. I simply relish its existence initially then i always temper down. What i have is all attributed to HIM only... I wanted to comment about the way the world is going.. but i am no world leader to effect any change nor do i wish to get shoe-ed on stage.. Guess i am getting sleepy.. so i am just logging off.

The farewell...

I bid thee farewell my friend... You saw me through my times of joy, sadness and the entire spectrum of human emotions for the past 4 and half years. You have endured all the punishment i dealt you, and you served me with the utmost loyalty... Though your skin bears the many battle scars, you fought like a warrior with brandishing armour.. But like with everything else... Change has to occur. Its about time i relieve you of your duties... and give you your due retirement.. so , good bye my friend. I have reserved a sport for you in my "life in a shoe box".

Sony Ericcson P910, 2004 - 2009

On this sombre event, i would like to introduce to you ... your successor ( who is going to have a difficult time filling in your shoes... )

BlackBerry Bold 9000......

The USRAEL and the United Spectators.

Was channel surfing at about close to 5 am when i saw the breaking news. Israeli troops enter the Gaza Strip after a week long air raid. What is the need for a ground invasion when everything is pretty much leveled out in the coastal strip that measures 41km long by 6km wide.

The entire "occupation" stinks of contradiction. What is the objective of it. Israel claims that its not in its intention to re-occupy Gaza, while it is pushing its forces in through at least four different entry points into the strip.. BBC reports that Israel just wants to take control of the Hamaz controlled facilities from which rockets are fired. Which pretty much sums up to the entire strip and in even simpler words, its an occupation... no less. What happens after they capture Gaza...How long are they going to hold it in capture? Do they honestly think that the Gazans are going to take the Israeli restructuring hands down?

[Excerpt from BBC]
(In a pre-recorded statement broadcast on al-Jazeera TV, Damascus-based Khaled Meshaal, said Israel would be making a "foolish mistake" if it sent tanks into Gaza.

"We will not break, we will not surrender or give in to your conditions," Mr Meshaal said in a speech aimed at the Israelis, the Palestinians and the wider Muslim world.)

To be honest, i really do agree with him. The people of Gaza are not like the 3rd generation of some developed country in which everything is taken for granted. All the average Gazan has seen in his life is conflicts, bullets, bloodshed and loss of loved ones. Martyrdom is an ultimate prestige. There is no way they are going to take the invasion. They'd rather die.

The only thing that is gained from a war is actually the loss of humanity.

There is a humanitarian crisis going on where over 75 % of the Gazans are unable to support themselves. Israel controls all that goes into Gaza.. including the entries of international journalists, food and medical aid ( if they are allowing anything in at all.)

There has to be a better way to resolve this issue... too many civilians have already lost their lives. Where are the foreign powers when you actually need one... hmmm lets see...

Bush says the Hamaz instigated the occupation. Why does he sound like an immature teenager who plays "who punches first". To think that i almost felt sorry for him for a shoe being thrown at hime... now i wish that the shoes had wacked him. What's worse is that he actually encouraged Israel to step up actions to ensure that Hamas breaks.. Why bush... sore that Obama took your seat? Is this a form of low-elbowing to Obamas ribs? To ensure that he takes over a nightmare?

Next comes the UN... United Nations. I wish that they would be renamed as the United Spectators. Why is that they don't flex their muscle when USRAEL fails to convene to their strong warnings.. Israel totally neglected its warnings when it decided to invade Gaza.. why is nothing being done. By the time the UN comes to a decision from all its meetings... there won't be much of Gaza left to make any difference...

Live.... and let live...

Life is a beautiful gift. It unfolds delicately with every decision we make. Every decision, has its consequences which in turn will affect the individual and his/her surrounding. What we make of it is up to us.. Ok.. enough of all these long and grossly over-used cliches. There is going to be nothing nice about this entry.

I have always considered myself as a relatively good friend to all my friends out there. I also believe that i have practiced enduring patience when times called for it. And there are probably a few more nice things that i can safely say about myself. Chief amongst which is ...me understanding all the shit that i get for things that i didn't commit. But nevermind, I understand.

I know that Life is unfair and sometimes there is really nothing we can do about it except embrace it. Sometimes we all have to vent out that built up steam inside. Frankly i don't mind being the punching bag. But everything has its breaking limits... Even a punching bag breaks to wear and tear.

I know that Life deals us painful lessons that makes us shudder in fear when we have to move on. But being the victim indefinitely is not an option either. Being shackled to our pasts only cripples our future. Being sore about it doesn't solve anything. And ya.. don't take it out on me for now, i am a broken punching bag.

I know that in Life certain things , despite being so close, will slip right through your fingers.. So don't close your fist and start punching this punching bag for your missed possibilities.

I know that Life is like a tour of duty. Everyone switches roles after a short while. Why is it that you always want to play the emo boxer? Life's like a box of chocolates... try everyone of them...

Lastly , why is it that a hundred good things that i did can simply be overlooked when i slipped up once. Why can't I be cut the slack when so many others got it before me?

Sigh.. this has got to change.. and they will.
Live and Let Live.

Seven Pounds....My two ounces worth

Once in a while, comes along a movie that bludgeons your conscience into some serious self-questioning. A movie that questions your sense of morality and sincerity. One that explores the extent of which one is willing to go, to seek repentance. Where sorry is portrayed as anything but a simple word.

Seven Pounds. Its an extremely simple movie(really, its like reading "who moved my cheese") which injects a potent shock to a dulled out and routined (there is no such word i know, but you get what i mean) existence. To be honest, I really do not know what exactly or rather how exactly i feel about this movie. I need time for the full essence of the movie to sink in. All the movies that i needed time to ingest ended up disturbing me quite badly. I guess Seven Pounds is heading in that same direction.

The movie can summarised in two questions.

To which extent will you go to repent?
Is there any purpose to your life ?......besides merely existing to get the degree, the dream job, the dream girl, the HDB flat, the car, the vacation ......the lifelong membership with CPF......you know what i mean....

2009

..Sigh....Happy New Year. Thats about all the enthusiasm i can muster up for 2009.