Confessions from the first massage...

Went for my first massage in Batam ( and no.. i didn't go for any "specials" or "raba raba" or even "boom booms" ) nothing sleazy in nature. Just a regular massage to iron out 27 years of crank.

I did have my apprehensions about going to a parlour and getting (wo)manhandled into pulp, but the company of a friend eased me in to the idea.

To be honest, it can be quite harrowing if you do not know what to expect. So let me list it out from a novice's point of view.

Points to note when going for your first massage:

1) When the masseuse puts a small trough of water infront of you. Don't be an eager beaver and wash your face in it. You put your feet in it.. There is nothing more embarrassing than a indon masseuse giggling at you.

2) Don't gasp like a wuss when she touches your feet. She is a masseuse and its her job. Again, there is nothing more embarrassing then an Indon masseuse giggling at you.

3) When she asks you if you would like to use some "oil" ... don't show the typical Singaporean in you and ask if there is extra charge for it..

4) She is an Indonesian, therefore she will ask the previous question in a weird way because of her accent... You don't get too excited or too scared.

5) Don't bother asking "So , do you want me to lie down?" when you are already doing so...

6) "Dia ada banya bulu" means that you have plenty of hair.. It also means that you are gonna need more than one bottle of oil. Oh yeah... it also means its gonna hurt like hell...

7) Its alright to spring up and stick against the wall when the masseuse pulls your shorts down to a half butt position. Alternatively you can hold on to your shorts with your dear life and shout "Tak mau" or something to that effect.

8) If you are someone wearing specs, leave them on. The dim lights and the red curtains already will you an uncomfrotable feeling... having to add blurred vision reminds you of the movie "Hostel".

9) Pay very close attention to phonetics even when you are screaming out in pain... Screaming "Sakit sakit sakit" in pain just might give ambiguous ideas.

10) its good to have a friend proned just beside you.. Somehow there is an unfathomable pleasure when seeing your friend going through the same pain as what you just did a few minutes earlier....