Disclaimer:
-the following article is just a representation of the authors view ( which popped up during a long and lonely bus ride). It's not my intention to spark off a war on gender superiority (as i respect both).
-i believe it should serve as a good reflection point for those who are about to enter the holy instituition of marriage. ( if it doesn't do not screw me)
-i am neither generalizing nor stereotyping anyone... whom ever i referenced to belong to a rising minority.
- bear with the grammatical/ punctuational errors as i am rather sleepy but i feel obliged to share my views....
Nikkah.Holy Matrimony.Kalyaanam. These are the words that have been echoing around me for the past few weeks. Good news ... especially when my close buddies are joining the bandwagon and to be frank its drilling for oil inside my pocket (no offence to anyone). It kind of makes me reflect on my own life, a year back, all i was attending were birthday parties.. now its all weddings... i am getting old..hmmm. Anyway back to the point.
Imagine the ecstacy when you are starting a life/family of your own with the woman/man you have loved for who knows how long...the transition, new responsibilities/priorities, the new face that suddenly is sharing the bed and of course the pay with you.. all these changes despite being frightening.. is something that you are willing to face all for the woman/man you love so much. and when u do enter the instituition of marriage with that special person.. everything becomes surreal.. all we tend to consider and accept are the positive things.. if anyone mentions even the slightest mention of the word/s "what if this( this being somethin negative) happens" and "divorce" , we tend to touch wood ( not sure how it helps tho)...cross fingers and the ever popular "choi"..
my argument is, why assume that it wont happen to you, not that i am being so pessimistic or wat.. i mean, i believe that this is all about balance. just like life and death. we keep company with the constant thought of death to ensure the quality, morality and the integrity of our lives. it doesnt mean that we are planning to die rite.. just like that why not couples keep company with the constant thought of divorce and work against it.. by doing so we automatically enrich our married lives. qualities such as understanding, givin in, compromise and communication and problem solving naturally kick in when we fear the prospect of a separation.
the reason why i brought in such a dark topic was simply because, just recently a close family fren got divorced. it was devastating news considering the fact that the marriage was only 4 months old.. everything was going perfect.. bride and groom loved each other, marriage was with the consent of both families. basically everything was perfect. just that the bride had to move in with the grooms family( which seems ok by my standards) till they get their own flat. Along the course of the next few weeks, guess somethings happened which threw peace and tranquility into the family maelstrom.
[details are ommitted to protect the privacy of the family]
groom's family made some comments that was seen as insensitive by the new bride.
bride retorts and this was not tolerated by the groom and he in turn said some things that the bride was not happy with.
now i would have anticipated the worst case scenario to be the bride to push for their own flat to live apart and by themselves.. but wat happened was that bride one day just came back with a signed divorce paper and asked the groom to sign it.. he was totally taken aback. after countless futile attempts to reconcile, he gave up and just signed it. It all ended there.
Now wats wrong with the outcome? wat went wrong and who is at fault?(not that it matters)
Wouldn't things have turned out better if the girls was just patient? or the guy be more sensitive and understanding.. i am not sayin all the gals in singapore are like this, but i do see it as a rising trend.. gals just opting for divorce when they encounter friction in the marriage. what baffles me most is such things pretty much didnt exist in the generation before us.. our mothers generation basically. a generation in which most were not that highly educated.. what happened to the gals of our gen? did education empower them and liberate them from the "shackles of suppression" that actually sustained the sanctity of the home ?
[the Mothers Gen]
the husband is always rite. whateva the husband does, he still is the husband.. he provides for the family. He ill treats me also nevermind.. i dun wan divorce.. i dun wanna break my marriage..
[the Daughters Gen]
ur head the husband is always rite. wat eva the husband does, basket , will return it with interest. He ill treats me, simple just divorce.. i deserve better.... screw the marriage.
the "shackles of suppression" (despite depriving the woman of her rites at times) sustained the sanctity of family home. why? isnt education suppose to enlighten us and show us a better way? is it a just a fad created by the western world to disintegrate the strength and resolute of the asian woman?
i really dun get it.. i have heard talks abt equal rights .... wat rites? does the female wanna compete with wat the man does? does it make them feel better ? i believe that each gender has its own place in nature.. each has a specific role.. if each is individual then why fite for = rites?
i am not slamming the female species.. in fact i got a longer post on the flaws of men coming up.. but for the time being i have to stop here.. hopefully i get some replies to clarify my confusions.
14 comments:
Very interesting thoughts. I guess what people forget to realise is that a relationship between a man and a woman is very fragile. One has to constantly work at it till death to make sure it is ticking, interesting, fulfilling and not taken for granted.It takes a lot of willing effort,time, understanding and importantly respect to keep a relationship alive to the end of eternity. Of course we have seen many which have gone stagnant over the years. Worst being, some reach that stage even in their courtship days.
Men and Women are not equal. Each have their own place and rights. A man has the right to be head of his family. A woman has the right to be taken care of and keep what she chooses to earn.As mentioned by our Prophet (s.a.w), women are like flowers, men must handle them with care. So women must also behave like flowers. Not dogs. Men have been given physical strength whereas Women are given emotional strength. Each have their own place and duties on earth.
I think education has made women more independent. In the previous generations, the wives depended on their husbands because as you said, they were the sole bredwinner and there was much dependancy on them to take care of their families. However, times have changed. The word divorce is no more taboo. Women are able to fend for themselves. And often, they look into their selfish needs. Well, if their husband was not good to them, they would just think about getting away as they feel they are better off rather than being trapped with the husband for the rest of their lives. At the same time, television and generally, the media has been of much influence in the way women "treat" marriages today.
by the way, that was Shalini :) forgot to leave my name. Hi jalsa party!
Interesting!=)True enuf.. our mothers come from a generation where their husbands are their everything. Cant blame them cos they are simply dependent on them. But i personally feel that..that isnt so right..but i DONT deny that paradise lies at ur husband's feet..it does..and he is the head of the family...the decision maker etc etc...but well if u marry the perfect guy who treats u like a 'flower'.. great..but wat about one who abuses you ..? I cant sit around with a bruised face and imagine my world is still revolvin around him...i can certainly imagine our mothers doin that though. I guess in that sense education has given women the courage and the confidence to cross certain lines and break certain 'rules' unreasonbly formulated by the society. However now with all that it comes down to HOW this freedom is being used..and i cant deny..some abuse it.
Equal rights..well..i have 'heard' myself seekin and askin for equal rights..many times..and all those times its WHEN people listen to me..they WATCH a WOMAN speak rather than LISTEN to WHAT she says...and WHEN people decide that i cant do something...and oh i JUST simply cant..cos am a woman. thats when i chant that mantra.
I agree with you on that one. I guess some people misunderstand the term 'equal rights'. And no one deserves to be in an abusive relationship. Even if it is a man who is a victim, they should leave for their own good.
yup... seriously i think as women coming from a society (i believe we come from the same community =P) where there are so many expectations and limits imposed upon us..and when we take that lil step to try to break free from that...people would IMMEDIATELY start making comparison with women of the past (why even make such comparisons? nothing is the same anymore!!!!)..and THEN they would start questionin our intenion...at that point you cant help it BUT say you want ur rights hahaa...so well its NOT that simple afterall...also..i believe that at least in sg its not that bad..seriously speakin...we must look at the women in middle east before sayin anything more..they are the ones who shud truly fight for equal rights...=) so its high time we think WHY and WHEN women seek for equal rights..and my opinion wud be..they seek for equal rights..WHEN they start FEELin that no rights have even been given to them in the first place...so that triggers it off..
the thing in question (at least in my perspective) is the sanctity of marriage/home.. i have no qualms abt the rites part.. just that i find it rather disturbin that some educated women are abusin their rite simply coz they can..
the other thing itchin me out is that these (rising minority) of educated women seem to lack the selflessness that our mom's gen had in abundance.. the selflessness that tided the entire family over rough times and maintained the unity of the family no matter how disfunctional it cud have bee... the daughters gen seem to be self centred simply coz they realize they can.
i do agree that u have to bail the situation if the marriage u are in is an abusive one. but there are always grey areas before finally hitting the limit.. areas that can easily be manipulated..its in these areas where i wish our womenfolk cud practice more patience
-JALSA
PS: who is the other anonymous reader besides sha?
I agree with u on that..=)
PS: am Razanne =) stumbled upon ur blog and found it interestin..
hi razanne, glad u found it interestin.. ;)
-JALSA
" seriously speakin...we must look at the women in middle east before sayin anything more..they are the ones who shud truly fight for equal rights...=)" by anonymous.
I won't really cite women in middle east by itself... Women in a lot of places (in Japan at this moment even) are still fighting for their rights. Since we do not know what the middle east women are truly facing, its wrong to label them as the most depressed women of our ages based on some shows. The reason being, some people view covering up as oppressed whereas some are proud of it. The above is just a simple example :)
Well i wont disagree with u on that. The reason why i brought up women from middle east..is cos i have read about them.....so its not really based on any tv show..but then again some iranian movies DO show how difficult it is for women to do even the MOST ordinary stuff..'the circle' by jafar panahi for instance clearly shows this..how the birth of a girl isnt at all welcomed (its not just about coverin up..much more than that) these women are fighting for HUMAN RIGHTS at the MOST BASIC LEVEL..there isnt even a need to talk abt havin EQUAL RIGHTS...well i suppose its everywhere and could be anywhere...maybe in some countries it just seems more obvious and the women seem more vulnerable in that sense (personally) i feel Middle east cant be compared to Japan. (its gettin interestin!=) )
Razanne
Will agree with you on that. It's sad that the birth of a girl is still frowned upon in some parts of the world. I think we digressed slightly from the topic jalsa. I guess you are getting more confused now...hahaha...
slightly is an understatement yashila
Stumbled upon your blog and sure was enlightened upon your posting, and found some relevance to the topic I had with my Better-half…yes the used to be forbidden word Divorce ..Now even suppressed under the Blanket of re-marriages. Yes once a Taboo…But now read as a part of headline where there is a growing trend for the age group of 20 plus to fall into the shackles of DIVORCE, and that too less than 5yrs of marriage….hmmm… are we following some trend of work contract…where u have to sign a bond…and if u don’t like it, just sign off and walk off…it like a domino effect, where one sees that it is ok to do so…since it been done before, probably I would just mask off amidst all those whom have been divorced…but not realising among what the actual marriage was based in. Am not being a feminist and shouting out my slogans against the words of your post, but ultimately the underlying factors come from nowhere but between the couples themselves…perseverance, faith in ALMIGHTY and a whole lotta of understanding needs to be the key ingredients…which sadly isn’t practise by both parties…its not a point of blaming education, its all a matter of how much information u want to take and how much u would like to filter out…
Post a Comment